Surprise, it's port.

It's not just a sassily lowbrow ber name. It's also the ingredient list.

This brew has been getting the population of Albion drunk for centuries.

This low-quality beer will coat your mouth with a bitter sheen of sadness. Best imbibed only after following several other drinks or a swift blow to the head.

Despite its unappetizing name, this liquor has been immensely popular thanks to its affordability and the relatively few cases of blindness it has been known to cause.

This is as good as beer gets. Transforms yourself into a drunken pillar of health and strength with this superhuman brew.

Cocktail of tabasco sauce, salt, and possibly paint thiner.

It is said that the feet of those treading poisonberries to make this wine are apt to turn gren and fall off. On the other hand, if you don't mind a bit of rotgut and blindness, it will get you drunk fast.

Make yourself drunk. Make others drunk. What not to like?

Developed long ago by enterprising sailors who found that they could not drink sea water, the effects of this combination of rum and water are not unlike those of a burly boastswain punching you in the face.

Thusly named because you'll be turning yellow from the resulting liver damage. 250 proof, tastes like marshmallows.

Once a semi-frozen cylinder, now a passable imitation of the real thing.

Yes, it's technically a fruit, but that doesn't mean it deserves to be juiced. This watery, vaguely salty concoction is only for the desperate.

The sensory experience of this exotic, spiny fruit has been likened to 'custard passed through a sewer pipe' or 'eating one's favorite ice cream while sitting on the toilet.' The juice is not much better.

Squeezed from clouds, pixies and pure thoughts, this juice is both delectable and extremely healthy.

Bananas have no juice to squeeze? Never you mind such trivial details - this sweet concoction is healthful and delicious.

This water has a rather sludgy consistency and smells faintly of eggs. You'd better be thirsty.

Clean and pure, collected from the springs in the mountain ranges to the north.

Crystal clear and extraordinarily pure, it tastes better than beer, chocolate and a sack of gold.

It's warm and has a coppery taste, a bit like blood.

Perfectly drinkable water from a town well.

Will leave you as strong and healthy-looking as this gelatinized cube of compressed sheep part.

This fatty dish contains no actual chicken. One more reason they deserve chasing.

High in protein, low in morality.

Mighty taste for mighty body. Fatty cuts for a... you get the idea.

This ambrosial, impossibly tender cut will imbue you with the strength of a hundred um, sheep. Still, that's a lot of sheep.

Mystery Meat

Cows must submit to years of training and rigorous study to achieve organic jerkyhood.

Paper thin with plenty of fat.

You could use it as bait if only other fish were dumb enough to find it appetizing.

Nothing elevates you in the eyes of your peers like being seen gnawing a cut of truly rank jerky.

Cured with the finest salts and aged in rosewood casks guarded by monks who have taken the vows of jerky abstinence.

It'll keep longer than you will.

A passable table jerky, it tastes vaguely of salted meat.

The peanuts of champions! Or at least the peanuts of the people who sit safely in the stands while the champions get mauled to death.

Nobody knows where the animals whose milk is used to make this cheese are kept. And as long as there's a steady supply tp melt on toast or eat with a nice glass of wine, nobody cares.

Two peanuts were walking down the street, and they were assaulted. They had it coming.

Soft, pungent, and respectable, you and this cheese get along fine.

The layer of honeyed gold covering these delicious peanuts is so slight, it melts in your mouth.

Made with balverine milk. Just one more reason not having an nose can be as advantage in life.

This foul melty goo is not technically cheese, but you'd be wise not to say that to its face.

The Nasty brand of nuts is at least upfront about its singularity disgusting, and only barely nutty, product.

Even other peanuts don't want to be associated with these loser legumes.

It's doubtful real unicorn milk is used to make this delicacy, but its exquisite taste and exorbitant price is enough to convince Albion's higher classes that no other cheese deserves to go on their sandwiches.

A crunchy, fibrous vegetable which requires more calories to digest than it provides.

This mammoth root glows with a supernatural aura.

If you're brave enough to eat this you'll be rewarded with negative net calories... and perhaps and upset stomach.

This rancid curd is supposedly a delicacy in some parts of Albion. It's covered in sticky slime and has the complex yet playful aroma of dumpster in July.

Having lost its crunch, this floppy stalk is as healthy as it is unpleasant.

Though containing no actual gold, the healthy effect of this delicious fruit are just as precious.

Coagulated and pressed in holy water, but the flavor is nothing special.

Stiff, straight, and healthy. It's probably inappropriate to carry in your pocket.

The resounding crack this crisp imperator focuses on the mind

Too snobbish to be seen lying among other salad ingredients, this celery is more often seen languidly soaking its stalk in an expensive cocktail.

A lone worm inhabits this apple. It's not a feature, it's just a bug.

On its way out, but still nutritious and cleansing.

The food of choice for hippies everywhere.

Well on its way to getting beaten up by cocktail carrots.

One thing you never want to hear from an apple: silence.

An apple a day keeps the Guildmaster away

Someone has buffed this baby to a blinding sheen. The crack as your teeth break the skin will be heard for miles.

In a certain light. it still looks orange. But then, so do you.

Though a tactful delight for the tongue, and healthy gift for your body, neither will get much taste from this tofu.

This blessed of righteousness is sure to help shed the pounds.

"Delicious" doesn't do justice to this pie. It can fully heal a hero in the midst of combat, and it actually makes you lose weight instead of gain it! As if that weren't enough, the special combination of magical spices give you a hefty experience bonus.

This bland, portable pastry has all the fat of a regular pie with half the flavor.

If the meat seems a bit sparse, take smaller bites.

It doesn't taste like good crab, either.

Humanity's first disobedience: Definitely the best one.

The soft flaky shell cna barely contain the divine cuts of tender beef stuffed inside.

The term "savory" was never so ironically applicable.

Salutary and delicious, it's enough to stop you from wondering whose home it was swiped from.

Some people consider this fatty meat pie a delicacy. And that's very sad.

You can eat around the worms, but remember they're thinking the same thing about you.

The blueberries in this pie are so sour they're more likely to dissolve your teeth than turn them blue.

If you see this mouthwatering pie and fret about weight gain, you need to reexamine your priorities.

Evenly proportioned, almost hedonistic Voignier. Opens with pork rind, hairspray, and hints of anise.

Anyone can fight balverines. The Truly adventurous scrimp on seafood.

Tastes like being the last person to know about a party.

Hints of vanilla, touches of oak and whispers of fruity jam are purely imaginary in this bog-standard claret.

Caught off the coast of Westcliff, where its bountiful presence should ensure it never goes extinct.

A little dented and worn, this pre-owned pie is a good starter pastry.

One would be able to detect hints of raspberry, honeydew, and marmoset with one's nose, if one was a pompous ass.

Improves your Will and instills in you an inexplicable desire to swim upstream.

Reminds you of childhood. Not yours, obviously. A good childhood.

Also known in some circles as the Tenebrous Vintage of Exsanguinated Shadows. An extremely rare and ancient wine made by the first order of monks from the Temple of Shadows. Once used in ritual sacrifices, now sniffed, sipped, and expectorated by the obscenely wealthy.

Caught exclusively by wizened old men, this dish tastes of epic struggle. Delicious, delicious struggle.

Staring transfixed into the indigo glow, you gain a deeper understanding of the universe.